Solitude
by onakracivaya23
Summary: This is a song fic to the song “Your Secret Admirer (Solitude)” It does not end happily, especially if you like InuKag fictions.


Disclaimer: As much as I wish they did, neither the song, nor the characters belong to me - the song belongs to Evanescence and the characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I am simply borrowing them for creative writing purposes.  
  
Note: This is my first time writing, so please be nice to me. I like constructive criticism if you think something needs work, however. So, please, leave me a review.  
  
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It had been at least a week since Kagome had last been back to her own time. Not that there was really anything she needed from home. She was already so behind in her studies. They needed to find a way to beat Naraku. He was only missing three shards. The two from Kouga-kun's legs and the final shard- the shard which allowed Sango-chan's brother Kohaku to remain alive. They had just met up with Kouga again and Inu-yasha was off on a jealous tirade when Kikyou appeared.  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
how many times have you told me you love her? as many times as i wanted to tell you the truth. how long have i stood here beside you? i lived through you, you looked through me.  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
"Inu-Yasha, you must stop battling for Kagome. It is time she return to her own time."I overhear Kikyou say. I didn't intend on following them. I just went on a walk after Inuyasha left. I was so upset I didn't notice where I was walking until I heard Kikyou's voice.  
  
"Kikyou." I hear Inu-yasha reply. "We need Kagome. She is the only one who has the ability to see the Shikon shards. And, Kagome needs my protection, without me. . . "  
  
Is that all ? A means to get the Shikon no Tama? Is he merely using me to sense the shards? After I have stood by him through everything! I thought I might have meant more to him than that.  
  
"I understand that, but eventually she will need to leave and go back to her own time. You and I will be together then, don't you understand?" As much as I hate the sounds of those words from Kikyou's lips, there was much truth in them. Someday, I would have to go back to my time; I couldn't continue to live in two times forever, could I? Would Inu-yasha then chose Kikyou over me? "And you will never be able to fully battle Naraku if you are constantly worried about her safety. Do you want to lose your own life because you are protecting hers?"  
  
"I will protect you both," His tenor voice returned, I could hear the determination and strength in his words.  
  
"You need protect me no longer Inu-yasha, this body of soil and bones needs no protection. I will fight for myself and I will win." The bitterness in her voice seemed to chill the very air. I should move away, but I can't help but listen.  
  
"I will always protect you." I heard him move to her. He has probably taken her in his arms. "Kikyou, I..." The tenderness in his voice is something I don't often hear. My heart aches, I know what his next line will be and I don't want to hear it, but my feet stay firmly rooted to the soil. "...I love you."  
  
I feel as if the wind has just been knocked out of me. Deep down, I knew he has always loved Kikyou, I can hear it in his voice when he speaks of her and I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, thinking that I am her. Still, hearing those words said to her, and not to me. My cheeks begin to feel warm and my eyes sting. I can feel the tears coming. I turn and run away. I can't hear any more, what I've heard is enough for anyone. As I leave I hear the leaves rustle and sticks break, I'm no longer worried about being unheard.  
  
Sango and Miroku sit around the fire. I hurriedly grab my things and place them in my bag. They look at me curiously.  
  
"I'm going back home for awhile. I forgot that I have exams in a few days." I tell them. I can see by the look on their faces that they don't believe me. I turn away from them and begin walking toward the well. As I reach the well, I take my bag on my shoulders and hop up to sit on the edge one leg daggling momentarily on each side. It's odd. That's kind of how I am here, I have one leg in each world, no longer feeling complete in either. I lift my other leg over the edge of the well, and jump in.  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
solitude, still with me is only you solitude, i can't stay away from you  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
Landing on the other side, in my own time, I sit on the bottom of the well and finally allow my tears to come. It's truly over. He had never cared for me. He has always loved Kikyou. There is a voice ringing in the back of my mind telling me that I should have known better. I knew that he loved Kikyou always. She died for him. But what about me! I lived for him! Another screamed in my mind. But I knew, with a pang of regret at my own stupidity, that I could never compare to her. Her. . . Kikyou. The cherished lover, the lost love, the uncompleted love story. I could never hope to replace her in Inu-Yasha's heart.  
  
Still, there was something within me that forced me to stay by his side. To care for him, to - dare I say it - love him. Something in me wanted to be always with him, even if he never returns my sentiments for him. Yet, despite that, being by his side brought me nothing but sorrow. For even when I was with him, standing by his side, or standing with his arms around me, as we have done in the past, I was always alone. And I could feel that. It was that feeling of loneliness that kept me from being completely open with him. Had it not been for that, I would have told him my feelings a million times over. But, the emptiness, that solitude, that is what kept me from sharing my true feelings with him. I knew that he did not feel the same. For if he had shared me love, I would not have felt alone with him.  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
how many times have i done this to myself how long will it take before i see when will this hole in my heart be mended who now is left alone but me  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
Despite, I go to him. I stayed with him. Why do I put myself through this torture?! I sit there and watch as he goes to her. It hurts me to know that when he holds me in his arms, and when he looks at my face, he sees her, not me in my features. Dammit! Why must we look so god-damned alike?! Perhaps, if we had not looked like two haves of the same person, he would have been able to see past her and see me. And if he had truly seen me...  
  
But it's worthless to think about that now. It won't change anything, we do look alike, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Slowly I climb out of the well. I walk up to the house. My house. Why should I feel sad to be here?! This is my home, in my time, this is where I belong. Not there, here. With my friends, and my classes, and my exams. I should just go back to worrying about the things I used to. Why should I ever get involved with Inu-Yasha again? I have a place here. I could go on dates with Houjou, eventually, maybe I'll begin to care for him, he obviously cares for me. He is a nice guy after all, even if he is rather boring...I used to be happy and content here. Why can't I go back to that now? I can. I will. I will never again return to the feudal era. But I realize, even as I think these words in my head, that I will have to go back just once more. I need to say my farewells to Sango, Miroku, Kaede, and Shippou.  
  
Shippou - poor shippou - without me there who will protect him from Inu- Yasha when they are bickering? I can feel my expression change as I think about their fighting...and then begin to think about our fighting. We were always bickering over something. It was a good way to cover my true feelings. If I focused on the bad, then it was easier not to care. And if I didn't care, he couldn't hurt me. But it didn't matter, I let him hurt me anyway. He didn't even have to try.  
  
I will have to go back - but I will wait. I don't need to return right now, or today, or even for a few days. I'll wait, and make sure that I am ready before I go back. I can't stay there this time. I can't do this to myself again. I can only hurt so much. I am only human and though my heart is not made of glass, like the Shikon no Tama eventually if it is hit just right, it will shatter into millions of pieces. However, unlike the sacred jewel, I can not find and mend the pieces of a broken heart and put them back into one. I could only hope that the shards I would have left would be enough to sustain this stolen soul. But, I cannot trust my heart, so I must not let it be broken. I cannot stay with him, But, I will wait here and see if he comes to get me before I return to give my final sayonara to him in that time.  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
everyone leaves me stranded forgotten, abandoned, left behind i can't stay here another night  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
Creak...click...swish.  
  
What was that? I thought I heard a noise. What time is it?  
  
I look at the clock. It's 9:45. Did I really fall asleep after dinner? All of a sudden the memories of earlier rush back to me. The woods, Inu- Yasha, Kikyou, me, the well. I feel my face begin to flush as I fight the urge cry again. No, I will not spend all of my time crying. I need to move on and start over. I will return to the feudal era on Saturday. That will give me some time to go back to class and talk things over with Mama about me coming home to stay - and it will let me figure out what I'm going to say to him. I need to know exactly what I will say when I see him or else I know I'll just start crying, and that won't help anyone.  
  
"Inu-Yasha - I can't stay here any longer. I need to go back to my own time for good. There is just too much of my old life that is disappearing. I need to..." The words sounded false even to my own ears. Besides what do I need to do in my own time? I would need a good excuse to get Inu-yasha to listen and leave me alone about after I left. I know that I wouldn't be able to take him coming after me, or trying to convince me to come back.  
  
Alright...deep breath. "Inuyasha, I am going home for good. As much as I love staying here in this time - I have too many things that need my attention at home. And with final exams coming up - I just can't stay any more. Sayonara." Yes, that sounded pretty good. Something within me told me that he was never going to buy it. But then again, I still have a few days to come up with something better to say.  
  
Well, you could always just tell him the truth? A little voice in the back of my head whispered. Yeah, right! I want to whisper back. "I can just hear it. Um...Inuyasha, I'm going back to my own time for good. Why? Oh, well, I accidentally eavesdropped on you and Kikyou in the woods and I heard you tell her that you love her. And well, I just can't deal with it anymore. So, have a nice life!" I roll her eyes and I can feel myself sigh. Wait, did I just say that out loud. . .  
  
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Your secret admirer Who could it be?  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
Meanwhile - near her window -  
  
"...Inuyasha, I'm going back to my own time for good. Why? Oh, well, I accidentally eavesdropped on you and Kikyou in the woods and I heard you tell her that you love her. And, well, I just can't deal with it anymore. So, have a nice life!" He heard her speaking but it wasn't until he heard his own name that his ears picked up.  
  
Suddenly, it all made sense. Why he could still smell her scent so strongly while he was with Kikyou. Why she had gone home without saying goodbye. Why she had left a lot of her things that she normally needed in the feudal era - like her 'Math' book? Whatever math was...  
  
He suddenly felt a pang of guilt when he realized that he hurt her. He had started to go into her room earlier to yell at her for leaving so suddenly and to give her back her book. But he has seen her sleeping and noticed the smell of tears from her, so he just left the book on her desk and hopped back out the window. He was glad now that he had done that. At least now he knew why she was so upset.  
  
What could he do though? He thought about it, he had told Kikyou that he loved her. Did he mean that? After sitting for a moment, he realized that, yes he really did love Kikyou. But, what about Kagome? What did he feel about her? There were so many times along the journey that she had shone herself to be Kikyou's perfect other half. Her willingness to admit her shortcomings. Her temper. The way she always tried to help without hesitation. They were so alike and yet so different. He thought back to the times he had spent with her. He saw her face with his mind's eye. I was so beautiful, and always so happy, unless it was he, who had hurt her. He pulled out the locket that she had once given him from his Haori. There was a picture of her beside a picture of himself. They both looked ridiculous, but he couldn't help smiling. But, did he love Kagome? Did he feel the same for her as he did for Kikyou? No. He didn't. He would always love Kikyou, but he would never feel anything more than caring protectiveness for Kagome. He took a deep breath, and put the locket back under the red material. I'm sorry, Kagome.  
  
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can't you see all along it was me how can you be so blind as to see right though me  
  
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"Wow, it's cold in here. Oh! The window's open, that's odd." She didn't remember opening it. "Hm...Mama or Grandpa must have done it after I went to bed."  
  
She walk over to the window. Swish..  
  
"Huh? What was that?" She peered her head out the window to find none other than Inu-Yasha sitting against the wall near it.  
  
She jumped several inches off the ground and before thinking shouted "Osuwari!" Inu--Yasha's face immediately dove for the dirt that was a few feet before him. "Inu-Yasha!" Her face suddenly felt like burning iron and she remembered embarrassingly what she had just been saying aloud a few minutes before. She was at once thankful that it was chilly and dark. "How long have you been there?"  
  
"Keh! Long enough." His voice replied from out of the dirt as he slowly lifted his face.  
  
Oh god, thought a voice in her head, what if he heard me!  
  
"Humph. Kagome, we need to talk."  
  
Kagome just nodded.  
  
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They had talked for hours. About Kikyou, and the Shikon. About Kouga and Shippou and the others. About Naraku.  
  
And her.  
  
She couldn't remember the last time she had had a conversation this long or this deep with anyone, let alone Inu-yasha. But, it ended in the only way that it could. He had told her that she had heard right, he did love Kikyou, and that he was sorry but that he didn't love her in the same way. He wanted her to be happy, however, and if she could only do that by leaving the Sengoku Jidai, then so be it. They realized while talking that they didn't really need her to find the remaining parts of the Shikon, they knew where all of the remaining shards were and that it was only a matter of time before they were gathered and the final battle against Naraku started. They also realized that she was now the only one who didn't have a direct reason for fighting Naraku. Sango was fighting to avenge her family and to save Kohaku. Miroku - to save himself. Kikyou and himself - for vengence. Even Kouga was avenging his dead clan members. She was now the only one fighting without a reason. He also realized that he could fight much more openly when he didn't have to worry about protecting her.  
  
It would be better this way.  
  
"Well, Then I guess there's only one more thing left." She said quietly.  
  
He looked at her questioningly as she rose and began to head toward the building that housed the well to his time.  
  
"C'mon Inu-yasha." She said over her shoulder as she headed out the door.  
  
He followed, for the first time not asking where she was going or why. When they reached the well house she quickly went down the stairs and hopped up on the edge of the well, she then sat there waiting for him. When he was at the well, she jumped through to the other side and he quickly followed.  
  
When they reached the other side and had both climbed out of the well, he could no longer contain his curiosity. "Alright, Kagome, why are we in my time? What's the deal?"  
  
Wordlessly, Kagome looked up into his eyes and put her hands around his neck. He didn't say anything else, but just continued to look into her eyes. What is she doing?  
  
She then pulled herself toward him giving him a quick kiss and hug in one movement. Then took a step back. He realized immediately that something was different, but couldn't figure out what. Then he looked down - in her hands she held the rosary Kaede had enchanted to him during his and Kagome's first meeting.  
  
"I will be back on Saturday to say goodbye to Sango, Shippou, Miroku, and the rest. However, you are now free of me forever, Inu-yasha." She hadn't started crying yet. But he could hear the tears in her voice. "Sayonara." And with that, she stepped over the well, swung her legs over, and jumped back into her own time.  
  
"Sayonara, Kagome." His own voice whispered after she was gone.  
  
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I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry. But my tears are falling. I can feel them. At least he did not see me cry.  
  
Well, I have officially left. I'm so tired. I guess crying really takes my energy. I guess I'll just go to bed. I'll worry about everything tomorrow. But for now, I'll just hang this here on the window.  
  
I lay down. And I feel the tears begin to fall again and again. Won't they ever stop?  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
solitude still with me is only you solitude, i can't stay away from you solitude, forever me forever you solitude only you only true  
  
~*~ --^-@ ~*~--^--@~*~  
  
I feel the warmth of a tear on my cheek. And I open my eyes. Where am I? Was all of that merely a dream? I could see the image of Kikyou's face and hear Inu-Yasha's words in my head. It never happened? I look around and realize that I am lying in my bed, in my bedroom, in my own time. That never really happened? It was just a dream? Inu-Yasha is still in his time, and he never told me that he chose Kikyou over me forever. That it was better for me never to see him again. It wasn't real? I wipe the tears away from my face and sit up.  
  
Where is my clock? What time is it? I need to see him. I need to go to him. He doesn't love only her. I want to be by his side again. Click click. The wind? My window is open. Inu-yasha? My eyes dart to the window. Something is hanging there. What is that? I walk toward the window. And as I reach my hand up to pick up the strand of beads that is hanging on the windowsill, the realization hits me and my eyes begin to sting again.  
  
It's Inu-Yasha's enchanted rosary.  
  
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A/N; Sorry this so depressing, but I wrote it to fit the song, not my personal sentiments. But the song was just too perfect, and it would have been wrong to end it happily. If I write again, I'll try not to make it so depressing. But for some reason, depressing stories are much easier for me to write that happy ones. 


End file.
